National Police Gazette - Eccentric Tantrums

       We here at the Gazette are jealous -- almost to the point of distraction -- over the unqualified success of the Rev. Jerry Falwell, D.D. (honorary). His business acumen is nearly unparalleled save for perhaps Bill Gates, John D. Rockefeller, and George Washington. The Rev. Falwell built a media and communications empire that started with his first take of $135 in 1956 and rose to annual revenues of over $200 million by the end of his life. Dr. Falwell, we salute you!
       Still, the base disgruntlement we suffer as a symptom of our envy is enough to turn the pages of the Gazette from pink to green. And we slap ourselves in the forehead exclaiming "Why didn't we think of it first!?" The story of Columbus and his egg, as apropos as it is, is still no salve. We all want to shoot fish in a barrel, yet we cry "Where are the fish?" even as they swim right before our eyes. There they were all along. You give the people what they want and they give you money -- a simple exchange of values. That first $135 must have done it for you. The light bulb went off and you were hooked on the God racket for good. And like all the best businessmen, you possessed focus, discipline, and good judgment. It is perhaps the kindly and benignant nature of Mr. William A. Mays that allows the ADHD-and-alcohol-addled employees of this great journal to remain at their posts and keeps the Police Gazette from achieving even more colossal heights than it already has. If only we could get the assistant copy editor out of the strip clubs and at his desk sometime before 3:00pm the next day we could rule the world. But enough of our shortcomings. We are here to give credit where credit is due. Rev. "Dr." Falwell, you are now sitting at the right hand of the top CEO himself. A job well done.
       Our religious editor, of course, has followed the good reverend's career closely and reports with pride that in spite of his taking leave of his corporal housing, Rev. Falwell's good works continue. Thomas Road Baptist Church, Old Time Gospel Hour, Inc., Lynchburg Christian Academy, Liberty University, Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary, Liberty Bible Institute, and the Liberty Broadcasting Network all continue to provide nice livings for hundreds of upper-level management personnel who might not have jobs otherwise.