Paul Juser: A Tribute to the Cars I’ve Driven

You could never call me a car person. In spite of all the highway miles I’ve logged, there have been large portions of my adult life when I had no vehicular transportation of my own. I’ve had more than one day job that required me to drive, but most provided vehicles, and I always lived close enough to walk. Now that I live in New York City, I drive as little as possible, and my car can … Continue reading

Paul Juser: The King Slasher

Blairstown, NJ, is roughly half an hour from the Pennsylvania border off I-80. From my home in Upstate NY, the trip is just under two hours depending on potholes and construction in Scranton. It’s a tiny town accessible by long country roads. The downtown streets are barely wide enough for two cars to pass, and the buildings have remained unchanged for years. Blairstown is the kind of place a person goes to not be found, a town … Continue reading

Paul Juser: Farewell to the Prime Minister of the Sinister

I was in the 9th grade when my best friend ran up to me waving a new cassette. The cover featured a quintet of bloody space mutants posing proudly on a broken Antarctic ice flow. They wore medieval armor and brandished swords, axes, and maces. In bloody red letters at the bottom was, “Scumdogs of the Universe.” Above them: “GWAR.”

A cassette was a CD on a magnetic tape that could be chewed up and broken by … Continue reading

Paul Juser: Groundhog Day 2014—In Memory of Egon

Every year, Punxsutawney Phil, Seer of Seers, Prognosticator of Prognosticators, is given a drink of magic elixir that gives him an additional seven years of life. This is how a mild-mannered groundhog has been able to continue living and predicting 128 years of weather. To the Creationists in the audience, this will sound like damn good science. But it’s sure to raise an eyebrow for the rest of us.

Your average groundhog, also known as woodchucks, ground … Continue reading

Paul Juser: Diner Diner

All my life I’ve been happiest with wheels rolling beneath my butt. When I was a baby my parents would drive me around the block to put me to sleep, and I’m still more likely to doze off in the most cramped car seat than the most comfortable hotel bed. Planes, trains, and automobiles, I don’t have the mathematical skill to count the miles I’ve gone.* If you’re the kind of person that plans ahead, you can … Continue reading

The Alex Rodriguez Conundrum

In view of the recent Alex Rodriguez unpleasantness, we reprint an editorial we originally ran in the September 2013 local print issue. It’s as pertinent now as ever….

What if Ted Williams Had Done Steroids?
Baseball has the distinction of being the sport with the most obsessive statistics fanatics. There are a dozen basic ways to measure batting skill and fans have come up with dozens more. The fact that Moneyball was as successful as it … Continue reading

Paul Juser: A Lonely Creep on a Greyhound Bus

Of all the modes of travel, I prefer bus. I recognize how crazy that sounds. I’ve crossed this nation numerous times by every method within reason. I passed on biking, and I’m sure as hell not doing the Forrest Gump Marathon. But I’ve got the rest covered. Plane, train, bus, and car; I’ve crossed all our time zones but Alaska and Hawaii. So heed my word.

Air travel provides comfort, and if you’re staying in this country, … Continue reading

UFC’s Fertitta Uses New York State Denial to Score Anti-Union Points

UFC chairman & CEO Lorenzo Fertitta has been reigniting the theory that the only thing blocking approval of pro MMA bouts in New York State is “the culinary union… Local 226 in Las Vegas.” The theory goes that the union, upset that Fertitta’s Las Vegas business, Station Casinos, refuses to organize, is using its influence with sympathetic unions in New York to pressure State Assembly Speaker Sheldon Silver and/or the Legislative Women’s Caucus into not allowing the … Continue reading

Paul Juser: My Only Friend, The End. Farewell to the City From Another Universe

I’ve never considered myself anything but a fiction writer. I had complete drafts of my first three novels before I was 23, and three more by the time I turned 27. Five of those are now online for your reading pleasure. But you’ll have to work hard to find more than The Salvation Shark, Dollars Per Hour, and Here in this Sorrow. I’ve done mostly shorter work since, numerous short stories, more than 100 poems, four produced … Continue reading

TINY NAZIS! The True Story of the Ruler of Binghamton City Hall’s 2nd Floor!

The elevator doors open onto the second floor of Binghamton City Hall and reveal what was once intended to be the building’s grand public entrance, but today looks more like the set from a 1970s Charlton Heston post-apocalypse movie. The designers and builders of the government complex that includes City Hall were nothing if not incompetent, and problems began almost from the moment it opened. The complex’s most famous disaster was the 1981 explosion of a transformer … Continue reading

Paul Juser: Disco Inferno!

By the time you read this, Rich David will be the impending mayor of Binghamton. He and Teri Rennia both ran campaigns that stunk of corruption and ill-gotten favors. It’s not speculation to say we’d be better off if David lost. But we’d be in the same rotten boat slowly taking water. The next four years for Binghamton will be awful, but no less awful than if Teri Rennia were to be taking over the Party Mayor’s … Continue reading

The Police Gazette Endorses Rich David for Mayor of Binghamton

Only Candidate All Year Able to Pass 4th-Grade English?
If a person’s ability to do a good job as mayor is inversely related to the number of misspellings and grammatical errors in their campaign literature, then we have to give our endorsement to Rich David. This year’s campaign for Binghamton mayor has been an English teacher’s worst nightmare, leading one to assume that every candidate was born in a foreign country. Thus precluded from running for … Continue reading

Paul Juser: A Landslide Victory

The election for mayor of Binghamton is finally over! We still have a month of flyers, media ads, photo ops, and shaking hands between Rich David and Teri Rennia, but even Rennia’s team must recognize by now the David landslide that will sweep her away. Breaking down statements to see how both sides view the issues, David and Rennia are both stamped from the same plastic-politician mold. It really doesn’t matter much which takes over the leather … Continue reading