Horoscope for December 2014

Back By Popular Demand! Your Police Gazette Horoscope!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Early to bed, early to rise. If captured again, deny deny deny! Curious glances from the mailman are not to be ignored in December. Act quickly and with sufficient force.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Yesterday’s Wine is either an old blues song or what you had for breakfast. Either way, pay close attention to detail on the 15th; be sure not to miss any little … Continue reading

Horoscope for September

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Make sure everyone close to you gets their fair share of attention this month or you may not fair so well in the lottery. Trust in “76” and “JM,” and NO backyard football!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Sudden meetings with strangers could go to either extreme this month. Always carry cash, and don’t be afraid to give it!

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Easy is as easy does couldn’t be more true for you … Continue reading

Horoscope for August

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Is it love or infatuation? A surprise visit could tell the tale! Keep your windows clean and a check on all mechanical belongings this month while staying out of direct sunlight when possible.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): A friend from childhood could bring some shocking news this month. Keep your calm and your hands on the wheel. 3 and 7 are your lucky numbers, but don’t go near anyone with a strange beard.

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Horoscope for July

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Over the river and through the woods is the beginning of an old childhood song, but it could also be your best option near the middle of July! Don’t change any light bulbs and always bet on “32.”

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Love is in the air! Now may be the time you’ve been waiting for, so make sure to have a fresh roll of duct tape in your kit. You will be … Continue reading

Horoscope for June

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): If you think no one suspects then think again! A man with a large belt buckle has you in his sights. Hope that you meet him in crowded areas in daylight. 5 will be lucky in the lottery.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Kindness is a virtue best left over the table. Anyone you meet who is wearing a shirt with a cartoon character on it is not to be trusted, so use caution! … Continue reading

Horoscope for May

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Listen for someone who uses the word “bat” in casual conversation. This person should be followed because they are hiding something valuable from you. Be discrete but forceful!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are prone to be opinionated today, so let it fly! Your opinion should not be held back, and anyone who interrupts is surely an agent of The Devil. Spend time with “M” and “L”, but watch your bank account.

PISCES … Continue reading

Horoscope for April

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A man claiming to be your uncle is not to be trusted and neither is anyone with the initials “S” or “T.” Watch your back and shave appropriately.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): This month will see a waning of your libido after your partner is paroled. Keep a chin up and look for a greenie with an unusual tattoo on their neck. 3 and 5 are lucky for you, especially after dark.

PISCES … Continue reading

Horoscope for March

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Watch the mail for a letter that could change your life if you act quickly. Trust your uncle Rico even though he has steered you wrong in the past. He will make up for all past losses with this latest scheme!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they COULD make a nice profit! Listen to old cellmates’ plans, for they could usher in a windfall.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March … Continue reading

Horoscope for February

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A red rooster heralds danger. Avoid potholes and iron frying pans. Karma will pay you back ten-fold in the form of a lovely Swedish woman named Inga.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Three old enemies have a new plan. Do some snooping and see if there is any way you could profit. Being a snitch is not so bad if it pays the bills.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Use your tax refund to throw … Continue reading

Horoscope for January

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Strange men with soothing voices tell you it was all your imagination; but ask yourself what is their motivation? A broken bicycle can fit in with the plan more than 23 ever led you to believe. Try a new hairstyle this month! You will be surprised at how it affects your neighbors!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): There is a time to relax, but that is far from the present. Paint all windows in … Continue reading

Horoscope for December

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Women and artichokes have three things in common; can you name them? A fireman with a smart mouth pushes your limit. It’s nothing you haven’t done before.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A whistling sound leads the way to romance or a new home. Freedom is only for the hesitant, so be slow to anger and quick to judge.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Textured meat products are a friend in times of need. Use … Continue reading

Horoscope for November 2013

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Boys will be boys, except in mid November. Careful of any strange, shy young ladies who seem overly friendly.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “Arnie” and “C” are lookin’ for trouble, and if you aren’t careful they will find it. Stay away from disco bars and fig newtons on the 14th.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Look out for loose change and loose women near the end of the month, and keep a full arm.

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Horoscope for October 2013

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Where there’s smoke there’s… something you forgot to attend to! Stay sober on the 22nd and answer all unknown callers.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Something your uncle said once is beginning to come true. Stay aware of your surroundings and away from Thai food.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): A man in a wheelchair isn’t telling all he knows. Sometimes a shakeup or roll down can loosen lips.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Nosy reporters … Continue reading