Back By Popular Demand! Your Police Gazette Horoscope!
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Early to bed, early to rise. If captured again, deny deny deny! Curious glances from the mailman are not to be ignored in December. Act quickly and with sufficient force.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Yesterday’s Wine is either an old blues song or what you had for breakfast. Either way, pay close attention to detail on the 15th; be sure not to miss any little hints in a public area.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Chowder could hold the key to a clean break for the holidays, if you compliment the right person. “16” and “M” are looking out for your best interest, so keep quiet in the chapel at all costs.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): A new landlord or parole officer is playing games with your emotions this month, so do NOT become their tool. This is the perfect time to try a new recipe, so be bold!
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Red twine or an ice pick? YOU be the judge! Either way, remember to divide by 4, and tap in even numbers.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): A frost or snow on the 14th will be the sure sign you have been seeking. Call off all bets, and do your worst. A young neighbor has you in their eye, so stay fresh and cheery!
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Be gentle as a lamb in your dealings with authority figures in December, but remember for whom the cock crows. Pasta and dietetic beer could prove a dangerous combo.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Any person who has trouble pronouncing the letter “w” should be attacked at the first opportunity. Be swift and unforgiving in your response. Christmas memories will flood your heart with warm feelings this season, so don’t be afraid to smile.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Keep a sharp eye out for unmanned autos the week of the 8th, and don’t be afraid to live a little in the rec room or local cafe. A quiet stranger is hiding something, but your charm or a shiv should be the key to gaining knowledge.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Ringing bells are an omen of disaster. Stay away from all evergreen shrubs and garlic. Two old friends have a new business opportunity for you. Proceed with caution.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Eeeny meeny miney… mop? If you don’t know what that means now, you will before the month is over! Be more cordial in the showers, and pay special attention to any songs your overhear.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Take any advice given by a blind man with a pinch of salt and extra caution. Now is a good time to play the horses or a game of cards. Stay away from fried vegetables and shiny metal.