CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Make sure everyone close to you gets their fair share of attention this month or you may not fair so well in the lottery. Trust in “76” and “JM,” and NO backyard football!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Sudden meetings with strangers could go to either extreme this month. Always carry cash, and don’t be afraid to give it!
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Easy is as easy does couldn’t be more true for you than this month! Go with the flow and don’t sweat the small stuff. Bacon equals friendship, so stay close to home and September will come to YOUR viewpoint!
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Yo ho ho and a bottle of… kerosene? The buzzards may start circling the camp this month, so keep all options open and all pathways clear. The new moon brings romance.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Everyone knows you’re the master of detail work, and this month you show off for the masses, either in the communal room or prison library. Remember what your attorneys said about the “nervous condition” and you should fair well in the aftermath.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You need to do something innovative, daring, unusual, liberating, exciting, and challenging. The steak knife you keep under the seat of your vehicle could play a huge role in this.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Exploring new avenues of communication and further developing your existing romantic affiliations are in the cards right now. Caller ID doesn’t work when you dial *69, so just keep breathing heavy and she will eventually give in to your romantic side.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Your social life will be in full swing, so use the “real” toothpaste during the middle part of the month. Rub the fur on every cat within reach backwards and luck will flow like a river.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): You are more emotional than usual this month, so stay away from anyone of the opposite sex and doctors, if possible. A random phone number written somewhere will give clues to your latest dilemma.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Remember that vision you had of a flaming buffalo? That ties in EXACTLY with what you have been considering for your former lovers! Go for broke this month, and don’t leave cash in the open for even a moment.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Someone called “Sal” or “Sally” has been taking notes, and they ain’t for Santa Claus! A month-long vacation could be in your best interest if at all possible. Stay away from ethnic foods and instant glue.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You feel expansive and inclined to take risks this month. Always have your “sidekick” handy and plenty of tape, and you should expand rather than implode.