CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Over the river and through the woods is the beginning of an old childhood song, but it could also be your best option near the middle of July! Don’t change any light bulbs and always bet on “32.”
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Love is in the air! Now may be the time you’ve been waiting for, so make sure to have a fresh roll of duct tape in your kit. You will be especially amorous near walking trails and behind a theater.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Chocolate may buy some time for you when cigarettes fail. Keep your guard up and your head down, and you will reach August on your own two feet. Thursdays and Saturdays are your creative peaks this month so keep a pencil handy.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Beating a dead horse may take on a new meaning for you this month, Aries! Keep quiet during rainstorms and make certain all debts are paid on time, and all should be well for you.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Beware of a loud man with a ponytail and don’t try any new drinks this month. The full moon brings a new adventure, but ONLY if you are willing to pay up front.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You have been thinking that new person in the office or cell block looks like a really gentle and intelligent spirit. Why not take a risk? Any potential danger can be neutralized by a well placed shank or suddenly producing ice cream…. You only live once!
CANCER (June 21-July 22): When someone looks at you funny this month it is best NOT to just smile and carry on with your business. The ones whom you thought had forgotten have remembered well, and there is nothing that money can’t buy.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): A new pair of shoes could bring a magical adventure this month! Keep counting backwards and knock on wood because you never know where it will take you. Beware of bottle rockets and snakes.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Does the word “Viola” mean anything to you? Mars is in your sign this month and that does not bode well for gambling. Stay away from starchy foods and anyone named “Manuel.”
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Any strong unusual odors should be investigated, especially if near wooded areas. A stranger brings a financial windfall, but only if you are properly armed.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Oooh eee oooh I look just like Buddy Holly… and so will YOU if air travel is in your plans this month. Stick with “K” and “R,” and don’t smoke in elevators.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Gasoline and washing powder create an interesting diversion. Keep this in mind if they happen to discover your plans. Wearing blue highlights the power of Venus on your psyche this month.