CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Listen for someone who uses the word “bat” in casual conversation. This person should be followed because they are hiding something valuable from you. Be discrete but forceful!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You are prone to be opinionated today, so let it fly! Your opinion should not be held back, and anyone who interrupts is surely an agent of The Devil. Spend time with “M” and “L”, but watch your bank account.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Egypt SOUNDS like a long way from home, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. Long-distance relations are not always lying parasites. Chinese food could be your ticket to new-found health.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): You are introduced to an intriguing person this week, so don’t let your emotions run away with you. Use caution and keep at least 30 feet distance.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You can relate well to many kinds of people, so a new cellmate or new guard should pose very few problems for you this month. The stars are in YOUR house, so make the best of it!
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Always remember that time is relative, but relatives can get you extra time! Think twice before making any deals with a distant cousin.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): A total eclipse of the sun could be the “sign” you have been looking for. Stay in touch with allies, and have plenty of gas in your car. May could surprise you!
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Anyone you meet who is wearing a shirt with a football mascot on it is not to be trusted, so use caution! 4 and 32 are especially fortunate for you.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Keep tabs on neighbors this month and you MIGHT just see that little blonde sunbathing. Always have one hand free, and make sure there are no witnesses.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Always remember to choose the best driver—and don’t leave witnesses—and you should not have to repeat that extended vacation in the near future.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Stay away from “friends” and “doctors” who pretend to be concerned with your troubles because, as the voices told you in that dream, it’s only a trick. A sharpened file can be as useful as a store-bought shank. 2 and 88 should make you especially nervous.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Fee Fi Fo Fum! You always know where they come from! Keep your wits sharp—and don’t get distracted by promises of health or money this month—and all should work out fine.