CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A man claiming to be your uncle is not to be trusted and neither is anyone with the initials “S” or “T.” Watch your back and shave appropriately.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): This month will see a waning of your libido after your partner is paroled. Keep a chin up and look for a greenie with an unusual tattoo on their neck. 3 and 5 are lucky for you, especially after dark.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Laugh and the world laughs with you… or at you. Be sure to know which is the case before going for your shank. A visitor from another state brings promises of riches. Go along for the ride, but be well armed.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): You need to clean out your closet and pay those parking tickets today. It also couldn’t hurt to clear things up with your bookie or at least give him a little cash to tide him over. Things should feel a lot better if you can find a way to clear out some clutter and make room for something new.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You need to tell that one special person how you feel, even if you risk making the social dynamics in the yard a little awkward. If you’re single with no prospects, it’s a great time for you to reach out. Strike up a conversation with that guard who’s been smiling at ya.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): If you don’t feel like eating out—or at least paying for it—don’t expect others to take you out on their dime. Sometimes you get a bit tight-fisted for reasons that have little to do with your budget. You’ll have to fend for yourself; just make a sandwich!
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Start off in a new direction today; you know you’ve got the right kind of energy for it! You can make a dent in almost any project, or even reinvent yourself in some new way. Pick up and learn how to use a crowbar, for example. You’ll find it a very versatile tool.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): You may not know why you do everything you do today after shaking off those mushrooms you tried in Vegas. But rest assured that you’re on the right path. Let your subconscious be your guide as dream hints and odd symbols keep you moving.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Even if you’ve got nothing planned today, you should still seek out the company of others. That could mean riding a crowded train or getting together with old friends. Resist the temptation to buy a bunch of cats for company. Remember, human contact is the key to keeping your sanity.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Jewelry has been catching your eye lately but TRY to resist temptation. A wrong move could bring another six years. Smile at every third Asian you meet and check shoelaces before crossing a bridge.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): A wily Aries could be your key to adventure this month. Check under your bunk for loose change and potential new weapons.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): It may taste like chicken, but remember there is ALWAYS a price to pay if the neighbors find out. Rubbing two sticks together in public could lead to an interesting conversation with many benefits.