CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Watch the mail for a letter that could change your life if you act quickly. Trust your uncle Rico even though he has steered you wrong in the past. He will make up for all past losses with this latest scheme!
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they COULD make a nice profit! Listen to old cellmates’ plans, for they could usher in a windfall.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): A man in a purple shirt is not to be trusted. 3 and 6 are the numbers that lead the way. Keep a sharp eye and sharper blade this month.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Something overheard in a coffee shop could lead to disaster this month. Avoid boiled seafood and streetcars like the plague. Someone who calls herself “Aunt” is carrying a large amount of cash…. Look for shadows.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Do you faint at the sight of blood? If so, steer clear of barbershops and birthday parties for the next few weeks. Two men and a baby are NOT interested in romance, so keep your lips sealed!
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Surely it will all come out in the wash…. Just keep pouring more bleach in the load. 77 and 14 were meant to be trusted, so open up!
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest is more than just an old song. So any street-gang initiations could turn ugly for you. If your mother’s birthday is this month don’t forget flowers and a fifth of her favorite strong drink.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Listen to your heart when it comes to a major decision this month. Don’t listen to your cellmates. Especially Vinnie. He wants to take advantage of your assets.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Take that emergency fund stashed in the shoebox in the freezer, and lay low in Mexico for a while. When a woman named Lolita asks you for a light in Guadalajara, give her the light and more. She holds the keys to eternal happiness.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Leave that dead-end job in search of that impossible dream you’ve been dreaming. Give your boss a big hug, and then sail onwards to new opportunities with a skip in your step and his wallet in your pocket.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): The time has come to try out your skills as an amateur locksmith. Start out small and trust nobody. Your payday will come in the form of an ’83 Volvo in the parking lot of the local laundromat.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Love becomes dangerous this month when you unknowingly fall in love with someone who is already taken. Keep your doors locked; hang on to her for dear life. She’ll be well worth the bumps and bruises.