CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A red rooster heralds danger. Avoid potholes and iron frying pans. Karma will pay you back ten-fold in the form of a lovely Swedish woman named Inga.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Three old enemies have a new plan. Do some snooping and see if there is any way you could profit. Being a snitch is not so bad if it pays the bills.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Use your tax refund to throw a big party! Invite all your old cellmates and some strippers. Good times are sure to lift your spirits and see you through the dark winter months.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Five bags of flour or a big adventure in the Dollar Store? Either one could be the big break you have been seeking. A man with a false hairline is not to be trusted. Avoid bankers and cab drivers with a runny nose at all costs.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): The smell of pine could lead you to an adventure you never thought possible. Someone knows where your stash is located. Cross your arms when in the company of female relatives.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Never cross a horse with a loose woman! If someone offers you a new drug keep your mind open but your hands full.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): If you cut off enough heads the Monkey Spirit will see to it that you get the reward and power you deserve. Oatmeal could be unsettling to your stomach, so eat cereal when possible.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): A woman with a cat fetish will lead you down a slippery slope if you are not careful. Beware of orchards and salad bars on the 13th.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Pulling strings is impossible with Mercury in retrograde, so hunker down in your position and hope for a crack in the walls.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): You can’t breastfeed a chicken, but you can strangle a horse. RJ and T mean you harm, so stay away from the places you frequently find them.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): This is your month to get out there and take a chance. Luck is on your side, so take that risk you’ve been putting off for so long. Money and love await you, if you’ll just get up off your ass and take some action!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Planning and budgeting are essential this month as your pyramid scheme could take a wrong turn. Be sure to have a small savings stashed, and wear tennis shoes at all times in case a quick getaway on foot is needed.