Horoscope for January

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Strange men with soothing voices tell you it was all your imagination; but ask yourself what is their motivation? A broken bicycle can fit in with the plan more than 23 ever led you to believe. Try a new hairstyle this month! You will be surprised at how it affects your neighbors!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): There is a time to relax, but that is far from the present. Paint all windows in your home black if you can’t afford aluminum foil, and the spirits should pass without taking note of your presence.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Aristotle and James Dean have two things in common aside from being dead. Can you name them? A green piece of metal lying on the roadside should not be overlooked. Stay away from fish hooks and all pasta.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): Buy a piece of copper pipe and wait for further instructions. 54 and 789 are the numbers you will find hold you in favor this month.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Listen for a whispering wind and the call of a stray canine after sunset. This will be the sign the old woman said was approaching. Canned corned beef is a formidable weapon when times are lean and a healthy lunch in the salad days.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Four young women sleep alone on Hampton Street. Can you name them? Many a brave soldier has gone hungry for lack of a lamp.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Rambling men know few cold potatoes, and you had better learn that lesson well. Korean cuisine is calling to you mid month, as well as an old lover from school or prison.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): The ocean is deeper than it smells and so is her deceit. Mark the calendar for 33 days before going through with your plans at the post office. Three small kittens can make your life a little more at ease!

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Black Gold is your calling in mid January unless the marbles were painted blue. Wear your collar turned up when in public, and carry more than one piece of jewelry in your pocket.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Beware of falling plaster, and refuse any money with a curious stain. “TR” and Jimmy still plan to follow through with their plans, so keep warm and toasty on the 9th.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Turmoil is just another word for excitement! Let loose the pigeons and see where they land! A man with a pink umbrella is friendlier than you imagined.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Thrice bitten once shy is the phrase of the month. Stay away from bearded men and natural childbirth. A stone pillar holds the answer to a forgotten prayer.

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