ARIES (March 21-April 19): Women and artichokes have three things in common; can you name them? A fireman with a smart mouth pushes your limit. It’s nothing you haven’t done before.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): A whistling sound leads the way to romance or a new home. Freedom is only for the hesitant, so be slow to anger and quick to judge.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Textured meat products are a friend in times of need. Use restraint when encountering an old partner at mid month. Gravy and beer flow at will.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Restore your chances at success by trying on some new shoes! An old friend needs to borrow an unregistered firearm. Give freely!
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Previous lovers seem overly friendly this month, but it is not for your pleasure. Carry an apple on the 14th and look for someone in a yellow vest.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Fur and coffee are two things to keep in mind as the new year gets closer. Don’t star gaze too long without proper eye protection.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Manage your money wisely on the 4th and stay clear of massage parlors and tent revivals all month and all should go well. Grape-flavored jelly brings a new sensation.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Breaking glass can be music to your ears if you stall long enough the week before Christmas. A wounded sparrow hold no regrets.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Some men will do anything for a cigarette, but don’t let this tempt you on the 12th. A random encounter could prove hazardous to your health and reputation in the community.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): A rerun of an old sitcom will tempt you to smile. Don’t dare crack a grin. 4 and 32 are still strongly in your corner, so don’t risk the ship.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Someone wearing a strong cologne holds the secret to a great mystery. Listen closely and don’t rattle your change.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): A man with a gray chin beard is to be watched closely this month. Examine any papers that he may drop or lay down. 4 cats signal a sea change, so keep your eyes open.